TRIGGER WARNING PLEASE DON'T READ THIS IF YOU'RE EASILY TRIGGERED: Conversation With The Disorders In My Head
Eating Disorder (NOS): Don't you dare eat that you're so fat you're so fucking fat look at your legs and butt they're fucking huge you're disgusting STOP EATING RIGHT NOW AND NEVER EAT AGAIN. You must lose weight, you must weigh yourself every day and exercise more and stop eating. STOP EATING DAMN IT!!!!!!!!!!
Major Depressive Disorder: Life sucks, why the fuck are you still alive? Go lay in bed all day and don't move and don't do school work because you're a worthless piece of shit. Cut yourself, no actually go kill yourself, right now. Just get it over with. Stop showering and brushing your teeth and cry cry cry because your life sucks and you're going nowhere. You are such a horrible person and don't deserve a spot in this world. You are a waste of everything.
Generalized Anxiety Disorder: Shit you're a failure at everything, you can't do anything right, ever. You haven't even finished one class at college, and have withdrawn from 8 college level classes total. YOU'RE A FAILURE. YOU SUCK AT EVERYTHING. The world is awful and scary so you should go hide in bed and pick at your lip until it's bloody. You should also cry and panic because your life is failing. You won't be able to get through camp because you're fucking hideous and campers won't respect you. Also your depression will probably get worse and you'll have to quit, a mess, once again proving how much you fail at everything. Just stop trying.
My Recovery: Lauren, breathe. It's okay, I promise. You are safe. I am here for you.
-For your eating disorder- You need to know that you are in the low part of the healthy weight range for your height- you are not fat. And anyway, being overweight does NOT determine your value. It does not determine beauty, only society's standards for models. You need to eat, and it is okay to over eat sometimes. That is normal. You are healthy, and that is what is important.
-For your depression- Your life has improved so much because of how hard you've been working. You pulled your hair back, you revealed your struggles to so many people and got so much support. You affected people, you possibly even helped someone with your story. You are important. If you killed yourself people would be devastated...think of your family and friends. You are so loved, and so lucky because of it. If you keep pushing you can get through these hard parts, and your life will just keep improving. You are so strong, I believe in you.
-For your anxiety- This disorder is doing this to you to scare you into backing away from your life. This is all it wants, to watch you give in. But every day you fight it, every day you wake up and do the "normal" things that are actually really scary for you, you push your anxiety back. You are not a failure. You are living. You are a survivor of so many things. You WILL get through camp because you are strong, beautiful no matter what society says, and capable. You will help those kids this summer, and you will succeed. Little bumps may happen, like a nap every now and then, or a teary day, but you can do this. You know you can.
I believe in you Lauren. Don't listen to your disorders anymore. Let them speak, but you can speak over them. You can push them away just as you've been doing. I love you.